On vacation when the couple is in crisis

Uncertain weddings in the summer. Distracted smudged sunscreen on your back portends an emotional distance. The prolonged time, which becomes almost stationary during the holidays, must be embraced and soothed in a caressing way with its slowness, and instead it very often becomes a threat.

The reassuring aspect of work suspension turns into:horror: horror of emptiness, fear of the other, unspeakable and meeting with oneself. So, for some shaky couples, the holiday becomes a sacrificial gallows, not a reward after a year of hard work.

Alibi

Creating an alibi is a very sophisticated art. Those who visit them and use them constantly know that in order to weave them and authenticate them, even for themselves, they must sympathetically interweave their fears with the defense mechanisms of the psyche, and they know that every theatrical excuse has deep discomforts and furrows. dated misfortune.

It’s a misfortune that does not magically go away when the suitcase is finished or when the resort is finally conquered. Many couples use an alibi in order not to listen to each other and not to listen to their discomforts and needs. They complain that they don’t find time for love, time for caresses and holding each other hand in hand.

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A decline in desire

Very often, at the first consultation, they tell me about a decline in the exhausting and humiliating desire for their quality of life, the lack of sexual intercourse, crippling boredom, but when time slows down and ticking is not the soundtrack of their lives, when they lie on a sunbed with a wonderful view in front of them. with their eyes and a beautiful restaurant waiting for them for dinner, sexual desire does not magically return to their lives. They don’t suddenly become nice or happy.

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Work-related stress is or should not be. There is no shopping, no older parent to care for, no child to accompany to school and take to a football match, no e-mail to answer, no boss to indulge. There is probably a beloved partner, an intoxicating landscape, a longed-for rest, a body and perhaps residual emotions. On vacation, creating an alibi becomes complicated.

Slowness, fears and aftermath

The sacred, metaphorical places where time slows down and the mind gives way (or should) give way to the heart and senses is a true enhancer of everything. Happiness and misfortune. Desires and loss of desires. There are no more excuses to mystify or deny the needs of the body. Couples on vacation would like to visit new eros lands – or at least recreate those already known – and when they do not, returning from vacation and everyday life becomes a time of sad balance.

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Paradise destination

Stable partners, single parents, separated, separated, reunited, with children from first and second marriages, and with children who hate their father’s partner and praise their mother and vice versa, and much more. These are dizzying scenarios. August becomes a kind of cornucopia of unspoken wishes. She wants to go to the mountains, he wants to go to the sea, but her partner suffers from heat and chaos. You want to regain strength in the intimacy of the couple and you need silence and words, books and couples. I need friends and chaos.

Parents would like to visit art cities, but their kids want to go to this noisy and crowded village where they had a great time last year and mom and dad were very bored. Who’s a fantastic vacation? digital detox but he can’t do it because his teenage son is camping and writing all the time and the call becomes a sort of lifeguard to ward off anxiety.

Those who, in turn, do not like queues, flights, holiday stress and would love a zero-kilometer trip, but the partner only rests abroad, in distant lands.

On the same vacation, trying to reconcile everyone’s needs and desires, and even your own, is really very complicated. The shaky couples in crisis come on vacation already greatly exercised by this exhausting organization and by this indispensable mediation that seeks to satisfy all wishes. In August, there is a real steam explosion in crisis.

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August is the month when couples break up the most often

Many couples, after another vacation that did not meet their expectations – I do not mean a place for vacation, holiday food or other specific things, but the poor quality of their emotional and sexual life – decide to break up, traditionally devoted to holidays during the month.

The couple’s crisis was of course also present in the winter, but the endless daily commitments helped distract partners from the real conflicts as they were absorbed in work, a thousand tasks and things to do. When everything becomes silence and even rest, and haste gives way to slowness and a real encounter with each other and with the other, then discomforts arise in all their virulence.

Lovers in the closet or sim

August is a month devoted to the holiday dimension, between summer flirts and a few too many glasses, between love for the meteor and passionate relationships, between music and evocative sunsets. Remember the sexuality playground. August has always been a high-risk month for betrayal. Holiday month, loves to kindle it and restore it like summer showers. In fact, it is a month that brings with it a seed of separation. Stable and loving couples are the most vulnerable to separation. August becomes the month of detachment, separation, budgets, lovers returning to their sims (once wardrobe).

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This is a temporary abandonment, but it is still a abandonment often experienced as a cut rather than separation. Lovers are those who usually accompany their loved one from January to July, and are suspended in August.

Scenarios and balances change

Christmas is an attack on the balance of other couples that are made up of partners who love each other but do not choose each other. From intercourse at lunchtime to love emails, from eternal and sinful calls to forced and thoughtful silence.

August is this: distributor of untold truths. On one beach, we have an official couple in crisis in the sun, and on the other, we have a heartbroken, single or unhappy married lover. Lovers personify passion and empathy, deep head and heart sharing, sexual intensity. They inhabit and fertilize the most hidden erotic fantasies, but they will not pack their suitcases with those they really love.

In August, balances and compensation mechanisms change. The couple, already in a crisis from before the betrayal and before the summer holidays, must deal with the dust accumulated under the carpet of a dying couple. The lover during the summer vacation will be silenced and well gagged in the simulator: he will not be able to fulfill his task as an emotional pusher and will not be able to maintain someone else’s marriage. Moreover, summer is ruthless. It works silently, exterminating couples in crisis, unstable marriages and long and short-term lovers.

Five tips: disconnected and happy

A little healthy disconnection didn’t hurt anyone, especially on vacation. As a privileged listener to couples in crisis, I end this post with some simple advice on saving couples and saving holidays.

1 – Patience, kindness and a few scattered smiles

Spouses very often come on vacation, especially stressed and tired. They are tense, nervous, not very patient and not very empathetic, and the risk of arguing over little things is always just around the corner.
Practicing kindness and patience, sprinkled with a few smiles helps to relieve tension and enjoy your vacation.

2 – Listening

Many wobbly, restless couples are not inclined to listen. They develop a kind of idiosyncrasy over the other. They can’t stand each other, they don’t listen to each other, they don’t talk to each other. While on vacation, trying to stave off a major crisis, in order to postpone uncomfortable discussions and deep explanations after returning from vacation, it would be advisable for them to practice their listening skills.
Listening to yourself and your partner. Give your partner the feeling of being there, even and above all, on vacation.

3 words

Words are an essential component of the bond of love. When they are missing or when they turn pale and warm, they become a clear alarm bell that needs to be listened to carefully. During the summer vacation, when time slows down and everything stops, an attempt to establish a cordial and deep dialogue with your partner can be a form of a long-lasting elixir of a love relationship: an affective and erotic cut of ties.

4 – Kisses

Kisses should never go on vacation and should be part of your vacation and everyday life. The couple that are kissing again, who come to a hug, who get excited before sunset, and the other couple, mouth to mouth, are a couple that are still in love. This is a couple that is a candidate for longevity. Dusting a kiss and taking it on vacation can become a real aphrodisiac.

5 – Friendliness

It is not known for what mysterious reason, when two partners become a stable and long-lasting couple, they cease to be nice. They quietly feel empowered to give their worst. They lose this indispensable intra-marital seduction in favor of extra-marital seduction: they become lovable and seductive with strangers, colleagues, friends, with someone other than their partner, and they become rude and obvious with a possibly beloved partner.

In conclusion, for the vacation to be lived in the name of empathy, love and eroticism, try to put into practice, where possible, some small strategy and postpone deep problems for a later return from vacation.
It would be good for couples in a crisis to understand the causes of their discomfort, and in this case, if possible, try to analyze and resolve it before going on vacation.

Valeria Randone is a psychologist, specialist in clinical sexology in Catania and Milan. www.valeriarandone.it

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